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My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am.
Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?
When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.
Benjamin Franklin
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Bill Maher
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
Charles M. Schulz
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Douglas Adams
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
Dwight Eisenhower
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.
Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Fran Lebowitz
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.
Gail Godwin
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Jon Stewart
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Mark Twain
The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.
Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.