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Mike Tyson
I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
Orson Welles
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another.
Samuel Goldwyn
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Stephen King
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Steve Martin
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing.
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down.
Tom Lehrer
I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is tha
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Will Rogers
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.