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Steven Wright

Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Half the people you know are below average.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.