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Steven Wright

Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.