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Steven Wright

Steven Wright
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.
It's hard for me to buy clothes, 'cause I'm not my size.
Once I was walking through the woods, and I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle, making shadows of people on a tree. I said, "Don't be so sarcastic."
What's another word for, "thesaurus"?
Whenever I think about the past, it's just bring back so many memories.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Once I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, "Happy birthday."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be, if that didn't happen.
I'm making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins, so it'll be aged automatically.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see 'em at the beach. Pisses me off.
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live. I said, "Here."
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?