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Steve Martin

Steve Martin
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing.
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.
Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.