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George Carlin

George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter.
If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.