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A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.